Tattoo Thoughts

I've been thinking a LOT about tattoos lately. Since I made the decision to go to the ayahuasca workshop in Brazil, I have had a strong feeling that I need to put a purple lotus flower on my back heart chakra. One of the things that I didn't mention in my Ayahuasca Experience post was that during the 3rd journey I asked about getting that lotus tattoo. I was told yes, to go ahead and get it, and then was shown a dual image of myself -- my front side all natural, and my back side tattoo'ed. I was also told that I must also get a tattoo of a bird on the back of my neck and a tattoo of a crystal. I was totally surprised by that.

So I've been thinking about it and developing it for awhile. I realized that the tattoos I have and the ones I am to get correspond to the chakra system, even though I didn't initially plan it that way. What I have now on my lower back and reaching onto my butt correspond to the first 2 chakras -- the roots for the first chakra and the representation of me as a female woman (blue star) and my children that came from my reproductive system (second chakra). The red star represents Il Tonino and I will get a star for each child I have.

I got the blue star back in 2000. At the time I had no idea why I picked a blue star, but it just seemed right. I've always figured I'd learn the why later. The William Wordsworth poem that is in the sidebar to this blog is one that I love, love, love. In it he says "Our life's Star". I got chills when I realized the connection.

To add even more to the story... after we made plans to go to Brazil, I went to see my massage therapist. She had been giving me massages for about 5 years, and so we knew each other really well in that capacity. Before giving me the massage, I told her about our planned trip to Brazil and the workshop with the ayahuasca. Turns out that she was intimately familiar with Aya! She'd never drank the plant medicine, but regularly communicated with Aya. Also, her sweetheart had JUST completed an ayahuasca ceremony. Amazing. Unbeknownest to me, during the massage she proceeded to communicate with Aya and asked her to give me what I needed in order to prepare for my trip. While I was receiving the massage, Aya told me that there was a book that I must read, and showed me an image of the book and where it was located on my bookshelf. It was one that Mike had purchased but I had never read. I got home, found the book exactly where she told me it would be, and saw the title: New Chakra Healing. The book had information in it that was exactly what I needed for personal and spiritual growth at the time.

Thus I became very familiar with the chakra system. When I was told that I had to get a tattoo of a bird on the back of my neck, it made so much sense to me. The chakra there is the 5th one, the throat chakra and representing ego. Not only have I been letting go of my ego, but I've been finding my true voice, and releasing it. A bird taking flight with its beak open in song.

While in Brazil I picked up one of the books that they have available for participants to read, and read about how birds, flowers, and crystals have always been considered to be representations of the divine. For me, my tattoos are a marriage between my physical and spiritual self. I'm fascinated by how this is all coming together in a very non-logical way.

I have the 1st and 2nd chakras/tattoos. The 4th will be a lotus flower, the hope and the blooming of the love in my heart (sorry if that is too cheesy). The 5th will be a bird on the back of my neck.

So the 3rd? That is my weakest chakra at the moment and the one that needs the most work. Until recently I've had no idea what is to be the tattoo for that one, but in the last few days I've suddenly gotten an inkling -- the crystal. I'd forgotten about that one. But for me, it makes so much sense in so many ways.

I'm excited to begin working with my tattoo artist to pull all this together and make the whole thing flow and look beautiful. Not sure when I'll actually start getting the ink, but it will happen sometime. What holds me back more than anything is my mom. She hates tattoos, and I hate not having her respect in that regard. Its that moment when she discovers/sees a new tattoo that is hard for me, I can just feel those what have you done? I really don't like that vibes coming off her body and from the expression on her face. The pain of that is worse than the pain of getting inked! But going ahead with this is part of that bird taking flight. I'm just not sure whether to start on this ink before this fall (my mom will definitely see me in a bathing suit in December...) or wait until after I have my planned second baby.

This morning I read something Kevin Costner said that was published in Parade (random, huh?) that said "We're afraid of a lot of things in life...it's part of the human condition. What do we fear? Love? Failure? Telling the truth about ourselves? I think we don't show people all we truly are because we're afraid that if they actually know everything about us, they won't love us. I'm as guilty of that as anyone." That really struck a chord in me. Even if I get more tattoos and my mom doesn't like them, she won't stop loving me. She doesn't have to like them, but she'll still love me. That's important.

Return

We're going back to Brazil!

As soon as I got there the first time I knew we had to return. That feeling only got stronger as the week went by. My experience there was wonderful and meaningful. If I never drank the ayahuasca again that would be okay, as I got what I really needed from it. However, I would love to drink it again. Mike, however, NEEDS to drink more. He is not at all finished with his journey with the plant medicine. He had a good experience the first time around but it really did feel incomplete. Thus, we need to return.

Not only that, but we felt really strongly that we had to go for BOTH weeks the next time. And we have been aiming for March of 2009 to give us enough time to prepare financially. I mean, the first time was really expensive and that was WITH mileage tickets for Mike and myself and Jake at 10% of an adult fare. This time we have no more frequent flier miles and Jake is now 60% of an adult fare. I was never sure how we were going to make it, but nevertheless I have been asking Aya (my nickname for the ayahuasca female plant spirit) almost daily to somehow make it possible for us. She made it possible the first time around, despite the difficulties with my family and initially having no idea how to finance it. And we made it.

This time we are going to make it again. We have already paid for and have our passports. The visas are good for 5 years. We've been saving up and I recently found out that the first week of the workshop is going to be FREE for us, and the second week will be discounted, through programs that the Heart of the Initiate has just recently set up. So now, financially, going back is totally within our reach. I am elated!

Ayahuasca Experience

As many of you know, in March/April 2008 I went to Brazil along with Urban Shaman and Il Tonino. It was a fantastic trip. The main purpose of the trip, though, was to be a part of a workshop that involved the ceremonial use of the plant medicine, ayahuasca. This medicine has been used by native Amazonians for thousands of years for healing of all types (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc.). Each of the 3 ceremonies that I attended during the week was overseen by an ayahuasquero (a type of shaman) and his assistant. They brew the medicine prior to the ceremony, which is done by combining 2 different plants that are native to the Amazon jungle and cooking them together. One plant contains the DMT molecule, which is a naturally occurring substance that floods our brains both at birth and death (and there is a theory that it floods the brain of a woman giving birth as well, but it is not known for sure). The other plant contains an MAO inhibitor that allows the DMT to be absorbed by the stomach and then into the bloodstream where it passes through the blood-brain barrier.

The first ceremony was a nighttime ceremony. Mats with pillows and colorful blankets were set up on the floor. Warinei, the ayahuasquero, started out by telling us not to be afraid to vomit or go to the bathroom if we had to poop, but to let it all out as this is part of the purging and healing process. Breathe deeply if we needed to, and connect with the earth. He and his assistant, Sara, were there to help us. Then he spent a good 5 minutes blessing the medicine while chanting. His chanting was wonderful to me. It brought tears to my eyes and I found my body moving to its rhythm. It had an otherworldly sound to it that was intimately familiar despite my never having heard it before. Even now I can bring back that chanting sound and find myself relaxing and feeling peaceful.

One by one each of us approached the table and the ayahuasca was poured for us into a little wooden bowl which was then handed to us to drink. Each time I would take a deep breath, say a little prayer for what I needed at that time, and drink it. The first time it didn't taste bad to me at all. Still, it was good to have a sip of water immediately after as it is not a pleasant taste. I went back to my mat and waited. After everyone drank, Warinei resumed his chanting, and later took to the drums. I loved it each time he did that.

I didn't feel anything for a long time. A range of emotions went through me. I felt some physical sensations of being slightly nauseous, feeling glued to the floor, and having wobbly legs when I stood up to go to the bathroom (but nothing came of that). It was only after it was over and after I had acknowledged my disappointment that the experience wasn't amazing in some way that I came to realize that this was my first meeting with this female spirit plant medicine and we needed to get to know each other. Literally. I had to surrender any expectations I had regarding my experience. Despite having almost nothing to say about the first ceremony, I had allowed the plant medicine to enter me and she had begun her healing work.

The second ceremony was the daytime one. This time I drank a larger amount of the medicine. About a half hour after, I felt the medicine starting to take effect. It was very, very strong. I found myself in my labor position -- on my hands and knees and breathing deeply and slowly swaying to the waves of energy that were coursing through me. I was rooted to the earth and yet entering a timeless space. I could feel myself going up a ladder, on the line between a waking and a dream state. I started seeing animated figures in the wooden posts of the platform. Then I felt like I had to purge and I went down towards the bathrooms as fast as I could before picking a bush and letting loose. I could barely move, walked 2 steps before I had to sit down. I noticed two bushes of the same species and faces appeared in them. I knew that they were a husband and wife bush. It was all good. I made it over to the grassy area and someone brought me a pillow and blanket and I gratefully stationed myself there.

A deep, musical humming was resonating through me. I looked up at the clouds and faces appeared and faded. They looked like the faces you see in religious imagery from various cultures -- totem pole faces, Hindu god faces, etc. They were all part of the same consciousness as me. At this point the experience became so strong (in between vomiting sessions) that I had to close my eyes and go inward. Streams of consciousness moved through me, through my physical eyes and also my 3rd eye. Much time passed in this manner but I could feel my entire being, down to the cellular level, being totally cleansed and reprogrammed. Many of the images I saw were extremely similar to the artwork of Alex Grey (many of Alex Grey's paintings are based on visions that he has had while on an ayahuasca journey). At times the journey was so intense that I would have to say to myself "the only way out, is through" and I was able to keep breathing and keep calm. Eventually I went back to the main platform with the mats and blankets and stayed there for awhile. I was exhausted from my experience but still felt the medicine working within me. I slowly climbed back down the ladder, floating in between the waking and dream world for awhile.

During all of the journeys Sara would go around and cleanse everyone with a burning sage or something similar. The smoke and smell would center me each time.

The third journey was also a nighttime one. This time I found the medicine to be a very bitter brew, and had a hard time getting it down. This journey was gentle. It started out by bringing back old, sweet childhood memories that I had not thought about for a long time. I could hear Warinei playing the drums, and the energy vibrations only served to assist with increasing the vibration of every cell in my body. Prior to drinking the medicine, I had asked for healing from a specific trauma and at this point in the 3rd journey I was shown an image and was instantly healed. It was amazing.

I felt myself going in deeper, and all of a sudden came face to face with my Goddess. I recognized her immediately, as I have known her all my life. She was beautiful -- had blue eyes and gray/white hair and this moon-shaped white stone with red and orange streaks in it embedded into her forehead. She said I could ask her anything I wanted to. Thus we began a dialogue. I was shown wonderful things in my future about my own little family. I asked my Goddess what I should be doing with my life. She told me that for now I was to be a mother and raise my children. The rest will be revealed to me later.

I saw my 3rd eye was wide open, with a cone of energy expanding from me out to the heavens and streams of consciousness pouring into me. At the very top, way up high, I saw a face that morphed into one face after another, each one increasingly alien until the last one looked to be that of a Grey. I had no fear, as we are all part of the same, but I giggled realizing I felt like a peep show, with these other beings totally checking me out and seeing what was going on.

My Goddess asked me if I had any other things to ask her. I had none, so all of a sudden the journey was over, and I was left feeling light, peaceful, and totally high on love. The next morning was one of the most beautiful ever. That's one of the nice things about the medicine and the journey -- there is never any "hangover", just a feeling of being washed clean and ready for a new day.

It is now 3 months later and so many things have changed for the better because of my introduction to and work with the ayahuasca. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity. Overall there is more peace, awareness, and calmness in my life. I look forward to going back in the near future.

For anyone interested, the website for the Brazil workshop is www.heartoftheinitiate.com