Tender

I've been doing well these last few days. Enjoying the last of the warm summer weather while feeling the fall chill in the morning air, loving on my sweet boy and my husband, and looking ahead to things to come.

And then, out of nowhere, the grief hits again.

Last night I dreamed I had a beautiful, newborn baby. I was putting clothes on this baby and enjoying it so much. I was so happy.

Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, a dream of what could have been. Such a heavy, heavy sadness came over me. A sad song started playing in my head. I went back to sleep but the heaviness is still with me this morning.

I want a baby so much. I was/am so ready for one. The clothes, diapers, and beautiful slings are all waiting to be filled by a baby who has that sweet breast milk smell and little rosy lips. I want a sibling for my son, to see him interact with this new person. I want to see my husband, once again, cradling a little sweet thing against his bare chest.

And yet, I also realize the immense gifts I've been given, in the midst of this loss. The gratefulness and the grief mixed together are a potent combination that makes this life feel so full, so tender.

Now for the waiting... waiting for my body to heal. Waiting to see when, how soon, we will be blessed with another little one. And then the long wait to fill my arms.

Goodbye...

We had our burial today... dug a hole under the walnut tree in the backyard. We love that tree, it provides me with such beauty and comfort year-round. It provides food for the squirrels, shade in the summer, and opens up in the winter to allow the sun to warm the house. Il Tonino's placenta is buried there.

The hole was dug. First we thanked and sprinkled in tobacco and cornmeal. Then I placed the placenta in, cord side up. Next the ashes were poured in. Then the milk that I had pumped. Next we placed in 2 crystals -- jet and rose quartz. We covered the hole with the dirt, and then marked it with a heart-shaped rock that Il Tonino had decorated.

Rest in peace, baby S. and watch over us with love as we remember you with love.

Thoughts just 5 days later

Intense sorrow is exhausting. It's been so long since I've experienced that, that I didn't remember it. By the end of the day we're ready to crawl into bed by 6pm. But somehow, 3 year olds are not ready for bed at that time. We're working on an earlier bedtime routine, though, which is easier now that it is getting darker earlier.

Having my milk come in full-force was so incredibly painful, I almost would have rather gone through labor again. I cannot understand how some women do not nurse their baby at all. At one point I was ready to go out and grab someone's baby and put the baby to my breast just for some relief. Instead I had to get through it with my pump, some massage oil, and cold compresses. Not how I envisioned it at all.

I am so grateful my labor was so smooth and short. I plan to write out the birth story a bit later. I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to do it at home. The hardest part was watching, through the upstairs window, the funeral home guy drive away with my baby.

I have a beautiful angel baby. I also have an empty belly, full breasts, and empty arms.

Today I brought a pregnancy test

But not for the reasons you are thinking. I am 100% sure I am not pregnant. No, I brought them because I went to Walgreen's for the sole purpose of buying a bunch of stuff to help use up the money I have left in my medical flex spending account.

So I mostly brought contact lens solution, bandaids (right now there is a little person in the house who wants a bandaid everytime something hurts, whether or not there is blood), and then I thought, why not? Pregnancy tests are about $15 for a box, so not inexpensive. I'll just stock up now and have them ready for next year and use up some of that flex money.

I fully intended to warn Urban Shaman about the pregnancy test box before I let him see it, but he was the one who took the groceries out of the car and started unpacking them while I put Il Tonino down for a nap. He gave me a funny look then I quickly told him it was 'just for next year when we are ready to try.'

To Baby or Not to Baby

It is no secret that I want a second baby. If my company had not suddenly required requested that I return to traveling, I was hoping to have been pregnant by now. But life never turns out how you plan. So now we're hoping that it will work out this spring, so I can get that promotion that I deserve want before they find out I am pregnant again.

Urban Shaman, however, has been having qualms. His job is not very secure and the economy does suck. There was a quote in The Oregonian recently that said "When your neighbor loses his job, it is a recession. When you lose your job, it is a depression." So for him, thinking about a second baby right now doesn't make him feel very secure -- he wants to be able to provide Il Tonino with a good education and not have us scrimp just because we've added to our family.

My stance is that Il Tonino deserves a sibling (and I want another baby, dammit!).

Yesterday Urban Shaman told me that he had spontaneously asked Il Tonino if mama should have a baby, to which Il Tonino replied without hesitation, "yes". So Urban Shaman has re-thought his position on the matter. (Thank goodness, not like he had much of a choice anyway. Kidding. Sort of.)