SAHWM to WOHM

My perfect, beautiful job is no longer perfect. I was informed suddenly on Tuesday by my supervisor ("I need to talk with you about utilization") that I needed to start traveling again (basically my job description) or ... lose my job (not stated in those words, but implied). Gah. And I have only 2 weeks.

So after crying on and off all day Tuesday to grieve the sudden loss of this amazing stay-at-home job where I had a totally flexible schedule and could take care of Il Tonino, I started figuring out costs, options, etc. Basically plan A is for me to resume traveling for work and find some kind of day care for Il Tonino. There is no plan B.

Two weeks to find an in-home nanny (not affordable unless I do nanny-share with another family) or find someone who provides care inside their home. The tricky part will be the hours. Urban Shaman has to be at work by 6:45 every morning, but then is home by 4. Luckily my mom has agreed to watch Il Tonino for 2 half days each week. That will really help with costs.

I asked my supervisor if I could continue being part-time, working 3 days a week. She seemed to think this was an option. So for now that is what I am going with -- I will work/travel 3 days a week (probably Wednesday-Friday). If they change their minds and say it must be 5 days a week... well, let's not go there.

Urban Shaman had surgery yesterday, so Il Tonino stayed with my mom from 10:30am to 1:30pm (when I went there for a lunch break during his surgery) and then again from 3:45 to 5:45. He did amazingly well and never asked for me. I was so very happy and relieved. I have been worried about how attached he is to me and how he will make this transition. It seems, though, I have to worry more about me than him!

Overnight should be okay. Il Tonino just transitioned into his own bed and does well there all night. He has been nursing but then falling asleep on top of me instead, so that will work well for daddy. It's the first nursing session of the morning that I'm most concerned about.

Gah. I had my life all planned out. Then life threw me this curveball. Of course.

Less is More

I came across this website the other day, Health 101 and found it to have some really interesting articles. One article in particular talked about exercise and how it is standard to aim for exercising 3-5 days a week, for at least 20 minutes at a time, and perhaps this is too much! Our bodies do need high intensity exercise to increase in strength and endurance, but the recovery time is equally, if not more, important.

Think about it. Every time you start up a new exercise program after a period of time of being a sloth, that first workout is fabulous. You feel on top of the world. You are so strong and could go on forever (not really, but you know what I mean). Then the second, third workout sessions (conducted the next day or only a few days later) are so hard and you have to grind your teeth and get through them. What gives? The article states it is because you haven't given your body enough time to recover from that first workout.

They advocate doing an intense, 20 minute workout once every seven or so days and state that this way you get the full recovery and don't lose anything you gained from your previous exercise session. The recovery is the most important part. Amazing. I inadvertently got to try that out this month because of how busy I have been and also Il Tonino having the chicken pox. I went at least 7 days between going for a run and the run after 7 days was fantastic! It felt like one of those first-time workouts.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't be active in-between these periods of high-intensity exercise -- we should continue to actively walk, move, and generally use our body. The key words are high-intensity. So going for a walk around the park is something we should continue to do on a daily basis. (And of course, everyone's definition of a high-intensity workout is different. A 2 mile run is high intensity for me, but would be a literal walk in the park for someone who is used to running 10 miles.)

Read the article and see what you think.

Intuition

Intuition is a tricky thing, especially when it is being tricked by logic. But it is such a wonderful thing, especially if you develop a strong intuition and learn how to listen to it (and ignore your silly, logical brain sometimes). Erin Pavlina has some great articles on intuition on her blog, like this one.

My understanding of intuition is that it is knowledge that comes from life's interconnected energy web of knowledge. The whole of that is much greater than the individual parts (i.e. the individual brain/body). Intuition has your best interests in mind.

I am sometimes surprised by how much I rely on my intuition to get through this world. Going to Brazil was purely instinct (there were so many logical reasons NOT to go to Brazil, as my parents strongly pointed out). It turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Today I'm supposed to pick up a twin bed mattress and box spring that an MDC mama is giving away for free. I just have a good feeling about this. When I told my parents about it they wanted to know how old is the mattress. I honestly don't know. We will see when I show up today if it is a good mattress or not.

Yesterday I kind of ignored my intuition. I was at the farmer's market and I saw some garlic and wondered if I should buy some. My logic told me, no, I had a whole head at home. Well what do you know, the head of garlic that I had at home was kind of rotten.

So I continue to work on learning to recognize my intuition and listening to it. What is an example of how you have listened to or ignored your intuition recently?

Full House

It's been a whirlwind of having guests around. Friend C arrived from Texas last week Tuesday, and we saw him both Tuesday and Wednesday evening. This recent Thursday night I picked up G, my wonderful gay boyfriend and we've had so much fun this past weekend. On Saturday G found out that two good friends of his from NYC were on the road and almost to Portland, so we suddenly had dinner plans with them and I invited these strangers-turned-friends to crash for the night on my living room floor. It was quite fun to have 6 of us eating breakfast together this morning! We'll see C again this week while G goes to Southern Oregon, and then G comes back. Love it!

Tattoo Thoughts

I've been thinking a LOT about tattoos lately. Since I made the decision to go to the ayahuasca workshop in Brazil, I have had a strong feeling that I need to put a purple lotus flower on my back heart chakra. One of the things that I didn't mention in my Ayahuasca Experience post was that during the 3rd journey I asked about getting that lotus tattoo. I was told yes, to go ahead and get it, and then was shown a dual image of myself -- my front side all natural, and my back side tattoo'ed. I was also told that I must also get a tattoo of a bird on the back of my neck and a tattoo of a crystal. I was totally surprised by that.

So I've been thinking about it and developing it for awhile. I realized that the tattoos I have and the ones I am to get correspond to the chakra system, even though I didn't initially plan it that way. What I have now on my lower back and reaching onto my butt correspond to the first 2 chakras -- the roots for the first chakra and the representation of me as a female woman (blue star) and my children that came from my reproductive system (second chakra). The red star represents Il Tonino and I will get a star for each child I have.

I got the blue star back in 2000. At the time I had no idea why I picked a blue star, but it just seemed right. I've always figured I'd learn the why later. The William Wordsworth poem that is in the sidebar to this blog is one that I love, love, love. In it he says "Our life's Star". I got chills when I realized the connection.

To add even more to the story... after we made plans to go to Brazil, I went to see my massage therapist. She had been giving me massages for about 5 years, and so we knew each other really well in that capacity. Before giving me the massage, I told her about our planned trip to Brazil and the workshop with the ayahuasca. Turns out that she was intimately familiar with Aya! She'd never drank the plant medicine, but regularly communicated with Aya. Also, her sweetheart had JUST completed an ayahuasca ceremony. Amazing. Unbeknownest to me, during the massage she proceeded to communicate with Aya and asked her to give me what I needed in order to prepare for my trip. While I was receiving the massage, Aya told me that there was a book that I must read, and showed me an image of the book and where it was located on my bookshelf. It was one that Mike had purchased but I had never read. I got home, found the book exactly where she told me it would be, and saw the title: New Chakra Healing. The book had information in it that was exactly what I needed for personal and spiritual growth at the time.

Thus I became very familiar with the chakra system. When I was told that I had to get a tattoo of a bird on the back of my neck, it made so much sense to me. The chakra there is the 5th one, the throat chakra and representing ego. Not only have I been letting go of my ego, but I've been finding my true voice, and releasing it. A bird taking flight with its beak open in song.

While in Brazil I picked up one of the books that they have available for participants to read, and read about how birds, flowers, and crystals have always been considered to be representations of the divine. For me, my tattoos are a marriage between my physical and spiritual self. I'm fascinated by how this is all coming together in a very non-logical way.

I have the 1st and 2nd chakras/tattoos. The 4th will be a lotus flower, the hope and the blooming of the love in my heart (sorry if that is too cheesy). The 5th will be a bird on the back of my neck.

So the 3rd? That is my weakest chakra at the moment and the one that needs the most work. Until recently I've had no idea what is to be the tattoo for that one, but in the last few days I've suddenly gotten an inkling -- the crystal. I'd forgotten about that one. But for me, it makes so much sense in so many ways.

I'm excited to begin working with my tattoo artist to pull all this together and make the whole thing flow and look beautiful. Not sure when I'll actually start getting the ink, but it will happen sometime. What holds me back more than anything is my mom. She hates tattoos, and I hate not having her respect in that regard. Its that moment when she discovers/sees a new tattoo that is hard for me, I can just feel those what have you done? I really don't like that vibes coming off her body and from the expression on her face. The pain of that is worse than the pain of getting inked! But going ahead with this is part of that bird taking flight. I'm just not sure whether to start on this ink before this fall (my mom will definitely see me in a bathing suit in December...) or wait until after I have my planned second baby.

This morning I read something Kevin Costner said that was published in Parade (random, huh?) that said "We're afraid of a lot of things in life...it's part of the human condition. What do we fear? Love? Failure? Telling the truth about ourselves? I think we don't show people all we truly are because we're afraid that if they actually know everything about us, they won't love us. I'm as guilty of that as anyone." That really struck a chord in me. Even if I get more tattoos and my mom doesn't like them, she won't stop loving me. She doesn't have to like them, but she'll still love me. That's important.

Day-long Tantrum

Yesterday Il Tonino woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Despite having a good sleep and having mama's milk, he woke up with a frown on his face, immediately crabby. Although he's feeling a lot better from the chicken pox (no baths yesterday!), I think he was still feeling not quite right and also ... bored. Yes, bored, even at 7:30AM!

Everything I asked him was met with either him throwing his head back and wailing or "ugh ugh ugh" with his eyes scrunching up and tears forming. Over and over again I told him "it's okay, just say 'no, mama' and it is okay".

Do you want to eat? Wah! Do you want to draw? Wah! Let's play with water. Ugh, ugh, ugh *shaking head*. Grandma is coming over! Wah *shaking head*. It was like this ALL day long, no matter what I asked. And he didn't seem to know what he wanted, either. Toddler, much?

Grandma came over to help, and the adult company helped keep me sane but Il Tonino only wanted mama. He was stuck on me like white on rice. Rice having a constant tantrum.

It didn't help that the Urban Shaman had to work a 10 hour day yesterday. Actually, I think he's working 10 hour days this entire week. Combined with the fact that we can't yet go out in public nor frolic in the sunshine, this makes for a very boring, very long day. And now that he's feeling better, no, he cannot have mama's milk every 5 minutes. Goddess help me.

I hadn't brushed Il Tonino's teeth for a week because of the chicken pox. You would have thought that I was coming at him with a torture device last night.

Is it possible to be a good mother but still have an unhappy child? I tried!

Return

We're going back to Brazil!

As soon as I got there the first time I knew we had to return. That feeling only got stronger as the week went by. My experience there was wonderful and meaningful. If I never drank the ayahuasca again that would be okay, as I got what I really needed from it. However, I would love to drink it again. Mike, however, NEEDS to drink more. He is not at all finished with his journey with the plant medicine. He had a good experience the first time around but it really did feel incomplete. Thus, we need to return.

Not only that, but we felt really strongly that we had to go for BOTH weeks the next time. And we have been aiming for March of 2009 to give us enough time to prepare financially. I mean, the first time was really expensive and that was WITH mileage tickets for Mike and myself and Jake at 10% of an adult fare. This time we have no more frequent flier miles and Jake is now 60% of an adult fare. I was never sure how we were going to make it, but nevertheless I have been asking Aya (my nickname for the ayahuasca female plant spirit) almost daily to somehow make it possible for us. She made it possible the first time around, despite the difficulties with my family and initially having no idea how to finance it. And we made it.

This time we are going to make it again. We have already paid for and have our passports. The visas are good for 5 years. We've been saving up and I recently found out that the first week of the workshop is going to be FREE for us, and the second week will be discounted, through programs that the Heart of the Initiate has just recently set up. So now, financially, going back is totally within our reach. I am elated!

Ayahuasca Experience

As many of you know, in March/April 2008 I went to Brazil along with Urban Shaman and Il Tonino. It was a fantastic trip. The main purpose of the trip, though, was to be a part of a workshop that involved the ceremonial use of the plant medicine, ayahuasca. This medicine has been used by native Amazonians for thousands of years for healing of all types (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc.). Each of the 3 ceremonies that I attended during the week was overseen by an ayahuasquero (a type of shaman) and his assistant. They brew the medicine prior to the ceremony, which is done by combining 2 different plants that are native to the Amazon jungle and cooking them together. One plant contains the DMT molecule, which is a naturally occurring substance that floods our brains both at birth and death (and there is a theory that it floods the brain of a woman giving birth as well, but it is not known for sure). The other plant contains an MAO inhibitor that allows the DMT to be absorbed by the stomach and then into the bloodstream where it passes through the blood-brain barrier.

The first ceremony was a nighttime ceremony. Mats with pillows and colorful blankets were set up on the floor. Warinei, the ayahuasquero, started out by telling us not to be afraid to vomit or go to the bathroom if we had to poop, but to let it all out as this is part of the purging and healing process. Breathe deeply if we needed to, and connect with the earth. He and his assistant, Sara, were there to help us. Then he spent a good 5 minutes blessing the medicine while chanting. His chanting was wonderful to me. It brought tears to my eyes and I found my body moving to its rhythm. It had an otherworldly sound to it that was intimately familiar despite my never having heard it before. Even now I can bring back that chanting sound and find myself relaxing and feeling peaceful.

One by one each of us approached the table and the ayahuasca was poured for us into a little wooden bowl which was then handed to us to drink. Each time I would take a deep breath, say a little prayer for what I needed at that time, and drink it. The first time it didn't taste bad to me at all. Still, it was good to have a sip of water immediately after as it is not a pleasant taste. I went back to my mat and waited. After everyone drank, Warinei resumed his chanting, and later took to the drums. I loved it each time he did that.

I didn't feel anything for a long time. A range of emotions went through me. I felt some physical sensations of being slightly nauseous, feeling glued to the floor, and having wobbly legs when I stood up to go to the bathroom (but nothing came of that). It was only after it was over and after I had acknowledged my disappointment that the experience wasn't amazing in some way that I came to realize that this was my first meeting with this female spirit plant medicine and we needed to get to know each other. Literally. I had to surrender any expectations I had regarding my experience. Despite having almost nothing to say about the first ceremony, I had allowed the plant medicine to enter me and she had begun her healing work.

The second ceremony was the daytime one. This time I drank a larger amount of the medicine. About a half hour after, I felt the medicine starting to take effect. It was very, very strong. I found myself in my labor position -- on my hands and knees and breathing deeply and slowly swaying to the waves of energy that were coursing through me. I was rooted to the earth and yet entering a timeless space. I could feel myself going up a ladder, on the line between a waking and a dream state. I started seeing animated figures in the wooden posts of the platform. Then I felt like I had to purge and I went down towards the bathrooms as fast as I could before picking a bush and letting loose. I could barely move, walked 2 steps before I had to sit down. I noticed two bushes of the same species and faces appeared in them. I knew that they were a husband and wife bush. It was all good. I made it over to the grassy area and someone brought me a pillow and blanket and I gratefully stationed myself there.

A deep, musical humming was resonating through me. I looked up at the clouds and faces appeared and faded. They looked like the faces you see in religious imagery from various cultures -- totem pole faces, Hindu god faces, etc. They were all part of the same consciousness as me. At this point the experience became so strong (in between vomiting sessions) that I had to close my eyes and go inward. Streams of consciousness moved through me, through my physical eyes and also my 3rd eye. Much time passed in this manner but I could feel my entire being, down to the cellular level, being totally cleansed and reprogrammed. Many of the images I saw were extremely similar to the artwork of Alex Grey (many of Alex Grey's paintings are based on visions that he has had while on an ayahuasca journey). At times the journey was so intense that I would have to say to myself "the only way out, is through" and I was able to keep breathing and keep calm. Eventually I went back to the main platform with the mats and blankets and stayed there for awhile. I was exhausted from my experience but still felt the medicine working within me. I slowly climbed back down the ladder, floating in between the waking and dream world for awhile.

During all of the journeys Sara would go around and cleanse everyone with a burning sage or something similar. The smoke and smell would center me each time.

The third journey was also a nighttime one. This time I found the medicine to be a very bitter brew, and had a hard time getting it down. This journey was gentle. It started out by bringing back old, sweet childhood memories that I had not thought about for a long time. I could hear Warinei playing the drums, and the energy vibrations only served to assist with increasing the vibration of every cell in my body. Prior to drinking the medicine, I had asked for healing from a specific trauma and at this point in the 3rd journey I was shown an image and was instantly healed. It was amazing.

I felt myself going in deeper, and all of a sudden came face to face with my Goddess. I recognized her immediately, as I have known her all my life. She was beautiful -- had blue eyes and gray/white hair and this moon-shaped white stone with red and orange streaks in it embedded into her forehead. She said I could ask her anything I wanted to. Thus we began a dialogue. I was shown wonderful things in my future about my own little family. I asked my Goddess what I should be doing with my life. She told me that for now I was to be a mother and raise my children. The rest will be revealed to me later.

I saw my 3rd eye was wide open, with a cone of energy expanding from me out to the heavens and streams of consciousness pouring into me. At the very top, way up high, I saw a face that morphed into one face after another, each one increasingly alien until the last one looked to be that of a Grey. I had no fear, as we are all part of the same, but I giggled realizing I felt like a peep show, with these other beings totally checking me out and seeing what was going on.

My Goddess asked me if I had any other things to ask her. I had none, so all of a sudden the journey was over, and I was left feeling light, peaceful, and totally high on love. The next morning was one of the most beautiful ever. That's one of the nice things about the medicine and the journey -- there is never any "hangover", just a feeling of being washed clean and ready for a new day.

It is now 3 months later and so many things have changed for the better because of my introduction to and work with the ayahuasca. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity. Overall there is more peace, awareness, and calmness in my life. I look forward to going back in the near future.

For anyone interested, the website for the Brazil workshop is www.heartoftheinitiate.com

I'm an Outstanding Citizen!

Well, I've done my civic duty. I've taken the chicken pox that Jake has and passed it on to 3 kids via lollipops, thus ensuring the continuation of this lovely virus. Most likely there will be some more kids tomorrow. Such a weird thing to do...

Why doesn't chicken pox die out like polio has? Would it die out if we stopped having pox parties and because there is a vaccine for it? I really have no idea. But I suppose it is really better to have the chicken pox as a kid and reduce chances of having shingles as an adult.

Thank goodness for organic lollipops free of additives, HFCS, dyes, and other things. These lollipops actually have carrot juice in them for coloring. Amazing.

Edited to add: 5 kids now!

Me? A Hippie? Noooo....

Email from my Mom today in response to looking at the pictures from the Oregon Country Fair on my other blog: "Glad you had fun at the country fair. You're such a hippie."

Ha ha! I'll take that as a compliment, although I'm not sure she quite means it to be one.

The Milk Bar is Not on Display

Today we went to the Oregon Country Fair. I LOVE the fair. It is such a wonderful experience. So much free-spirited wonderfulness!

My friend asked me if I would want to go to the fair topless or have my breasts painted and go around the fair that way. My answer? Of course!! That would be so much fun. I love being topless outdoors. Simply doesn't happen often enough. The problem, though? (Besides the awkward teenage boys who simply want to go to the fair to oogle at topless women...) The problem is that then Jake would assume the milk bar was open. All day. Open whether or not the boobs had paint on them. Just one big yum, mama's milk! fest all day long. So nope, the boobs stay covered. The milk bar is only open some of the time.

So going topless at the fair? Nope. Not for a long time, anyway. Maybe when I'm 50 and not only will my children be weaned but they won't be at the fair with me. But by then that might simply scare the teenage boys.

The L Word

I've just finished watching the first 4 episodes of this show. Can I get a "whooooo-hoo!!"? This is basically a TV show with a lot of soft porn. The first two episodes I think my mouth was hanging open the whole time. I got the recommendation to watch this show from my very open-minded MDC mamas, not really knowing what I was getting into by watching this show. But now I'm hooked. Can't wait until the 2nd disc arrives in the mail from Netflix. The best thing about the show, so far, is that it has increased the frequency of intimate times with the Urban Shaman. Hey, why not? Better than marriage counseling? (Not that we need that.)

Fruitarian?

So I've been reading a lot about raw food diets for awhile now. While I understand the benefits of it, the practice of it is another matter entirely. I mean, I find it hard to feel full and find myself craving bread and crackers. Right now is the height of the Oregon summer fruit season, and oh my goddess, sooooo delicious! Right now in my kitchen I have raspberries, strawberries, melon, blueberries, peaches, and cherries. Amazing. So yesterday I decided to try just having raw fruit for breakfast. I had a huge bowl of raspberries and some melon. And... I felt strangely full and satisfied. Wasn't craving anything else. Got Il Tonino dressed and the two of us went for a short walk and to the playground. Came back and wasn't starving or anything, but had a smaller-than-normal bowl of oatmeal covered with peaches and raw sliced almonds, ground flax seeds and a touch of maple syrup. Satisfied again.
This morning more of the same, but with more fruit. So far so good. But does this mean in the winter I'm going to be eating grapefruit and banana every morning? That might get old, fast. I really don't know. But I do feel pretty darn good. So maybe this is a good first step. For lunch and dinner I find it more difficult -- I would be perfectly happy having a salad each time but that just wouldn't work for Il Tonino. I mean, this 2 year old just doesn't quite get the concept of chewing lettuce yet. (You want me to eat that?) Avocados he'd eat perfectly happily but I think it will be a bit more time before I can sell him on just popping in tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, etc. Right now he's perfectly happy being mostly a fruitarian -- there is no problem getting him to eat all the delicious fruits we have in the house.

In the Beginning...

Okay so I just needed a place to write down and share some of my more crazy, hippie thoughts, especially the ones that I don't want to share with my family and especially not my family's friends (cuz, you know, that would just serve to embarrass my family!). I sound like I'm saying I'm embarrassing. I'm not, I'm just ... alternative. Not mainstream. An outside-the-box thinker. The one who thinks about how to be more eco-friendly, how to eat even more healthier, more spiritual, getting more tattoos, piercings, and all that other crazy, weird shit.

My other blog is more about my family, and for Il Tonino. Also to show my mostly sunny outlook on life because it is nice for people to go to a blog where there are happy thoughts and very little in the way of things that actually might make people think and reconsider some of their beliefs in life (except for the links I have in that sidebar). I am a generally happy person, but I do think about a lot of things that are really mostly still on the fringes. Happily, though, some things are pushing more into the mainstream awareness, but that doesn't mean that they are accepted yet.

What's that quote? "All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally it is accepted as self evident." - Arthur Schoepenhouer

So that's my forewarning, the disclaimer for this blog. Read at your own risk. You may not agree with everything, but these are my opinions. Enjoy! *wicked laughter.....*