I've been doing well these last few days. Enjoying the last of the warm summer weather while feeling the fall chill in the morning air, loving on my sweet boy and my husband, and looking ahead to things to come.
And then, out of nowhere, the grief hits again.
Last night I dreamed I had a beautiful, newborn baby. I was putting clothes on this baby and enjoying it so much. I was so happy.
Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, a dream of what could have been. Such a heavy, heavy sadness came over me. A sad song started playing in my head. I went back to sleep but the heaviness is still with me this morning.
I want a baby so much. I was/am so ready for one. The clothes, diapers, and beautiful slings are all waiting to be filled by a baby who has that sweet breast milk smell and little rosy lips. I want a sibling for my son, to see him interact with this new person. I want to see my husband, once again, cradling a little sweet thing against his bare chest.
And yet, I also realize the immense gifts I've been given, in the midst of this loss. The gratefulness and the grief mixed together are a potent combination that makes this life feel so full, so tender.
Now for the waiting... waiting for my body to heal. Waiting to see when, how soon, we will be blessed with another little one. And then the long wait to fill my arms.
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About Me
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting
The soul that rises with us
Our life's Star
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar
Not in entire forgetfulness
And not in utter nakedness
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home.
--William Wordsworth
The soul that rises with us
Our life's Star
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar
Not in entire forgetfulness
And not in utter nakedness
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home.
--William Wordsworth
The Characters
Gaia Hippie -- me
Urban Shaman -- the husband
Il Tonino -- my son
Urban Shaman -- the husband
Il Tonino -- my son
Baby R -- second son
Secret Crazy Hippies
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7 comments:
But it's still a good dream to have, I think. Maybe it means your mind and body are beginning the task of preparing for another child. It won't be that long a wait. Time passes quickly. You'll see. :)
oh, the longing...it must be intense. thank goodness it comes in waves so you have time to catch your breath. sounds like you are being tender with yourself and feeling all the pain and gratitude that comes your way with an openness that astounds me. one day you'll be an old lady with grandchildren surrounding you and this will all seem like it was a dream.
I agree that it's a good dream to have. But still so painful I'm sure. I can understand the longing, but from my own experience with loss. Our hormones and motherly instincts are so very strong. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself and feeling all of your feelings as they come. Life does go on, but you never forget. We will never forget your sweet boy. <3
Oh lee, what a sweet, yet painful dream to have. No one but you knows how painful this road is to walk, but we are all here loving and supporting you as you walk it.
I too can understand the longing from a completely different place, and yet I know that your heavy heart, and aching breasts long for this with such intensity.
You're in my thoughts and in my heart.
<3 Lee.
it is good hearing you are being tender with yourself. what an intense dream...I have felt the longing before, and for myself I know how heavy my heart felt. I'm here to walk beside you and support you how I can. Know that you and your sweet family are in my thoughts and heart. <3 sending much love and healing to you and yours.
Love to you...
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