Faith

This post has been percolating in my head for a week or so, and I'm still not sure how to articulate what I'm thinking about, but I'll try.

Prior to getting pregnant with my first baby, I read a LOT about pregnancy and birth, especially from the more radical/alternative/natural standpoints. I came to develop a solid core belief that pregnancy and birth are inherently safe and they work the way they were designed to. At the same time I was not naive -- I know that sometimes the process doesn't go "as designed" and help is needed but I was of the camp that we should approach pregnancy and birth as if they will work, not the other way around -- as if they are disasters that we have to be prepared for at all times.

Then I had Il Tonino. His homebirth was wonderful. It didn't go 100% smoothly -- my midwives had to intervene at one point, but in the end it worked and I birthed my baby and felt so good about it all. During that pregnancy, I had awesome prenatal care from my midwives, but didn't do much else other than one standard blood panel. No ultrasound, vitamins, testing, etc.

Second pregnancy was more of the same. Great care by my midwives but nothing else, not even bloodwork this time.

Then I found out that he had not developed normally and died.

Of course this has brought up SO many questions for me, so many what ifs. I do know for sure that if we had had an ultrasound during the pregnancy we would have found out about his developmental abnormalities, even as early as 11 weeks. And then... and then we would have had to make the hard decision to terminate a baby who, at that point, was still alive. No easy answers. The way it happened... I have no regrets. It was sad and beautiful all wrapped in one, and in many ways a gift.

Which leads me to the next baby who I hope will come along soon. And now my experiences with my first and second pregnancies have left me with conflicting feelings about how to treat this next pregnancy... how to walk the line between absolute faith in my body's ability to grow and birth a beautiful, healthy baby, and making use of the technology and tools that are out there, which have pros and cons of their own.

We will get an ultrasound this time. Even though I have made that decision, I still feel conflicted about it. I am not at all convinced in the safety of ultrasounds and understand that it can upset the baby, but at this point me having peace of mind during the pregnancy will probably be healthier for the baby, overall.

A friend of my mother's, who is a pediatrician (used to be the head pediatrician of an entire hospital system), offered to look at a picture of baby S. in order to tell me whether what he had was the result of a random mutation or a genetic abnormality that gets passed on from the parents. I almost wish that she had not made this offer or that I had never heard about it. I can see the pros and cons of both, but I am not sure whether either answer would make me feel better. I almost feel like seeking out an answer to that question would be an affront to me believing, having faith in this process working this next time. And as my good friend K said to me, I could always find out later, it doesn't have to be today. I think that is where I will leave it for now.

So it is more this time around. Prenatal vitamins, planned bloodwork by my ND, ultrasound (1 or 2? not sure yet). And also the hard, beautiful soul-work of holding onto my faith that this will end the way I want it to.