Reflections

It was only a month ago. It seems like longer, I don't know why. Did it really happen? Life has been getting back to normal, for the most part, but there is an emptiness that has been developing. I expected to be busy with a new little baby this fall/winter. Instead, I find myself watching far more TV shows/movies than usual, and reading one book after another. Part of me thinks I need a new hobby. Knitting? I don't know.

Did this really happen? There is no little baby around me to remind me (well, yeah). Instead there is only the very wrinkled skin of my belly that is still numb to the touch. And when I squeeze my nipples, bright yellow dots bead up -- still. I thought the colostrum/milk would be gone by now, but it's still there, a physical reminder of the baby I was supposed to breastfeed.

But I don't feel like he's completely gone. His spirit is incredibly strong and many times when I glance at the clock I will see "9:11" the date of his birth, and know he is saying hi to me. He does the same for his daddy.

I feel like I'm starting to separate the feelings of missing Sean and wanting a baby... the two are no longer one and the same. Does that make any sense? I am okay that he had to leave, but I want another baby so much, but it is now okay that it is not him.

And yet I will always love him, always remember.