4.5

I wrote this post on January 20, 2010. Now that I'm 16, almost 17 weeks pregnant with news of a healthy baby, and have shared the news, I can start sharing my thoughts from my first trimester.

I'm 4.5 weeks pregnant. I've known for sure for 5 days now that I'm pregnant, and haven't told a soul, except for my husband. The first day, it was really hard not to tell anyone, but I was so proud of myself when I got to the end of the day and it was still my secret. Then the second day passed, and the third. Then it started to feel REALLY good to have this secret, to the point where I had the feeling of NOT wanting to tell anyone. At all.

Then after the 3rd or 4th night I started to think about it, to think about why I wasn't wanting to announce it just yet. At the same time I kept going back to the memories of the day I found out baby S had died, and the next day, when I birthed him. Those memories are so incredibly crystal clear in my mind, every detail, every emotion I felt. Thinking about it makes my heart hurt again and my eyes start to tear up. I remember way more about those 2 days than about what I did during the past 2 days. Those two days are etched in my heart and soul, and changed me greatly.

It is this change that I am working to process. First I had to go through his death and birth and recovery. Then I had to deal with the fact that I didn't get the baby I wanted. After that came the waiting to start to try again. Then I started trying again, and in the first month it didn't happen and there was intense disappointment, and also fear that maybe I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again (yes, a little irrational, but emotions are not always rational).

Then I got pregnant. Elation. Shock. Happiness. Fear. Change.

I feel like I've been in a grieving mode for so many months now that I've almost forgotten what it is like not to feel grief. Of course, I will never forget but it fades over time, only right now it is not as faded as I would like it to be. So my heart feels grief... I am trying to let it go... trying to feel more of the joy of being pregnant. Time needed to process all this. Time when keeping this a secret is better for me and my soul before I need to share it.