First Trimester

The first trimester was not easy for me. It never is. I seem to be one of those women who just gets sick the entire first trimester, period. Luckily, not sick enough to need any drastic measures, like drugs or IV fluids or whatnot. But sick enough to whine and complain through it all. (You are all lucky I was keeping the pregnancy a secret, and you didn't have to hear me whining via FB.)

This pregnancy, I was not as sick as I was with Baby S. (a good sign) but a bit sicker than with Il Tonino. There was the usual nausea (both in my stomach and in my head, sometimes accompanied by a metallic taste in my mouth), lots of gagging, tiredness, and throwing up an average of 3 times a week. Bleah. Oh, and let's not forget waking up at 2am on the dot, 10 weeks in a row, with intense hunger pains that left me no choice but to raid the kitchen (goat's milk yogurt with cereal followed up with some lemonade). If I didn't drink the lemonade then I'd be up the rest of the night with stomach pains. Oh yeah, it was a walk in the park.

But I don't know what was worse, the physical symptoms or the emotional roller coaster. I would have moments of intense fear that this was another Baby S. or something equally as bad. There was anger at having to endure first trimester misery 2 years in a row (just all too familiar). Anger/fear/worry that going through this again would be for naught, again. Questions -- if this baby was not healthy, how could I do this again? Would Jake be an only child? I get pregnant easily, for sure, but could I make healthy babies?

It was kind of a dark time. I isolated myself from all but a very few people, stopped going to social events, and just hunkered down to wait it all out. Kind of appropriate that it happened to be during the months of February and March -- dark, gray, rainy winter days of P-town. I continued to work (thank goodness for working from home), take care of Il Tonino, and do my best. Each meal that I was able to make for my family, I considered a victory. The running stopped at 6 weeks. The plants withered from lack of water. The January winter decorations with smiling snow people didn't come off the shelf until April, long after the danger of any snow or ice storms had passed. Even the knitting stopped (it made me nauseous!).

During that time I was so grateful for FB and other people's blogs. Even though I wasn't sharing my thoughts with the world (at least about that subject), I could see other people's thoughts and activities, and it was a lifeline, a window into the wider world, showing me that life goes on. Showing me that, somehow, no matter the outcome of this pregnancy, I'd be alright.