The husband agreed to let me share here what he's written about his experiences in Peru.
Arrived at Iquitos, Peru on Friday, October 30th. The peddlers there are very insistent and annoying. Piece of advice, do not give them eye contact and smile unless they have something you truly like. And negotiate to half the quoted price, sometimes less. After a day in Iquitos the group all got into a river boat for a 5.5 hour butt-numbing journey. We saw a couple of pink river dolphins. One waved its flipper toward the boat. We finally arrived at Jenaro Herrera, butts about to fall off and staggered to a restaurant. Chicken (baked or fried) was the only thing on the menu. At least the chickens were alive only a couple hours ago. It was the freshest chicken meat I've ever had. Some of the group (myself included) went to the cemetery to celebrate the Day of the Dead. Some of us took pictures and captured numerous orbs, said to represent spirits. As Luco (main ayahuascero (shaman) for this group) closed the cemetery door, a person took a photo and it showed all the orbs floating at the entrance, as if to say good bye. Then it was time to bunk in for the night.
We started the day by eating eggs with vegetables, cabbage salad, and rice. That was considered the ayahuasca diet. No sugar, no salt, no red or white meat. The group helped in preparing the ayahuasca brew by pounding the vines with hammers and layered the mixture with sanango and chacruna. Then it was placed into the fire to cook for half the day. We started fasting at 2pm in preparation for the ceremony at 10pm. We spent the day getting to know each other and sharing stories.
Ayahuasca ceremony #1
I drank a half glass of ayahuasca. It tasted good to me. The majority of the participants didn't agree with my assessment of the drink. I started by seeing fractals in my visions. My emotion during that round was of anger, profound and primal. Everything bothered me, lights, movements, and people. I struggled to remain calm as waves of anger coursed through me. Then someone asked for a second glass, pretty soon everybody wanted a second glass, myself included. I was rewarded with a ride on a great serpent's back to the universe's temple. The temple was fractal in appearance, green, yellow and purple. It was shaped like a hypercube and constantly moving. I purged 5 times on the toilet after that. Felt like I had "died' then was put back together. I had a long metal needle inserted in my third eye by "spirit doctors" and they cut me up and poked me in various places. As I was being worked on, my visions were beautiful.
Ayahuasca ceremony #2
Started with a fat half glass of ayahuasca. Nothing happened for awhile as icaros were being sung. Icaros are plant songs that are used to bring in the spirits into the ceremony house. Meghan, the 3rd year apprentice, started the icaros after Luco left. Her voice was feminine and intoxicating. My inner visions consisted of black and white shimmering to the sounds of Meghan's voice. Luco came back and as soon as he started singing icaros, I felt my visions start to come together and I immediately shifted from sitting indian style to lying down on the bed. My visions were muted this time, but intense energy was coming out of me, making my neck, arms and legs shake. That is characteristic of the sanango medicine included in the brew. The shaking continued for the whole ceremony and then it stopped with a thunderclap. I staggered up and was drunk from meriado, the after effects of ayahuasca. A small group of us went to the purifying river under full moonlight. We were in bliss and happy, playing like fairies in nature.
Ayahuasca ceremony #3
Started with a full glass of ayahuasca. For the first time ever, it tasted BAD! It was a new brew we had just made with a second batch of ayahuasca. Stronger than the first one too! I had no visions, but my body was out of control. Arms were "shooting" at something across the ceremony house. Shaking at the peak of my strength, I was like a jackhammer. An apprentice laid down next to the participant by me to shield her from my energy. I was smoking cigarettes profusely to try to calm me down, it only succeeded in calming my mind down but not my body. I gave everybody a light show with my cigarette as I was flailing around. I was happy to provide amusement to others during my "performance" but there was nothing fun about it. Luco came to me and gave me a ventada wash with the chucapa leaves and sucked out the negative energy out of me. My shaking reduced to almost nothing as I grabbed huge breaths of air. After the ceremony, one person told me he saw me wrestling with a ball of red energy that refused to let me go. Another said that she saw a horned demon fighting to stay within me and as Luco purged him out he disappeared. I have no recollection of that, nor did I see anything I was battling with. At the conclusion, severe meriado and residual shaking continued. I was unable to speak about my experience. At the customary river purifying swim, I just body-planted myself into the water and floated for a few seconds motionless, exhausted.
Ayahuasca ceremony #4
Started with a fat 3/4 of ayahuasca. There isn't much to say except I had no visions but battled with lust within me. I kept switching between my love for my wife and aimless lust. Tossed and turned on the bed as emotional states shifted.
Ayahuasca ceremony #5
Started with a fat 3/4ths of ayahuasca. A rod of black matter came out of my privates. Entered the universe's temple and I was treated royally as a highest form of human evolution. It was beautiful and I wept in joy. I felt like I was given the strength of the universe and a brand new body. I was given a clean slate to work with.
As ambassadors of the Light, we have a duty to bring peace and love to all around us. Judgement and negativity has no place in our lives. It is critical as humanity is at a crossroads as to what it wants to do with itself. I leave the rest to you.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Connection
My husband has been in Peru for the last 9 days, having gone with his best friend for another ayahuasca experience. I wrote a bit about our experience with it in Brazil here.
When he first told me he wanted to go to Brazil, and that he would go with or without me, I knew that him going alone would be a deal breaker for our marriage. Our marriage was totally fine at the time, but this was an experience that was so different, profound, and life-changing that I knew that if he went alone he would come back a changed person and I wouldn't understand those changes or the experience he went through. So we all went together, and I am so glad we did, as the experience was amazing for me as well.
Even though our time in Brazil was incredible, the husband left feeling like he still had a lot more work to do with ayahuasca, and I agreed with him. My journeys left me feeling like a lot of good work had been done on me -- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and was satisfying. But not quite for him. We both knew he needed to return, the question was when. I had hoped that I would be able to go back with him, but it didn't work out that way.
After baby S died, husband's best friend C, who had been in Peru earlier this year for ayahuasca ceremonies, informed him that he was returning at the end of October and would my husband like to join him? I told him to go, and he jumped at it. We couldn't really afford it, but sometimes you gotta LIVE your life, and make it work best you can. And if I couldn't go with him (both for financial reasons and because I just didn't feel like it was the right timing for me), then I was thrilled he was going with C. And I just know that I'm getting an even better husband, friend, father to Il Tonino out of this deal.
So now he's been there 9 days, and he's been through 4 ceremonies so far, with one last one to go. Luckily we've been in touch at least once a day via email, so I have gotten to hear little tidbits here and there about what's been happening. Every night that there has been a ceremony, I've been acutely aware and alert, knowing my best friend, my love is going through an intense journey. What has been striking, though, is that I have been aware of the mood of his journey before and during the time he is experiencing it, and my intuition is confirmed the next day when I get an email with a brief message describing the previous night's ceremony.
This connection probably wouldn't be as strong if I hadn't had my own ayahuasca experiences. Even though we are many thousands of miles and 3 time zones apart, we are still able to share this experience together, and I am grateful for that. I am so glad he gets to have this experience and I can't wait for him to be home.
When he first told me he wanted to go to Brazil, and that he would go with or without me, I knew that him going alone would be a deal breaker for our marriage. Our marriage was totally fine at the time, but this was an experience that was so different, profound, and life-changing that I knew that if he went alone he would come back a changed person and I wouldn't understand those changes or the experience he went through. So we all went together, and I am so glad we did, as the experience was amazing for me as well.
Even though our time in Brazil was incredible, the husband left feeling like he still had a lot more work to do with ayahuasca, and I agreed with him. My journeys left me feeling like a lot of good work had been done on me -- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and was satisfying. But not quite for him. We both knew he needed to return, the question was when. I had hoped that I would be able to go back with him, but it didn't work out that way.
After baby S died, husband's best friend C, who had been in Peru earlier this year for ayahuasca ceremonies, informed him that he was returning at the end of October and would my husband like to join him? I told him to go, and he jumped at it. We couldn't really afford it, but sometimes you gotta LIVE your life, and make it work best you can. And if I couldn't go with him (both for financial reasons and because I just didn't feel like it was the right timing for me), then I was thrilled he was going with C. And I just know that I'm getting an even better husband, friend, father to Il Tonino out of this deal.
So now he's been there 9 days, and he's been through 4 ceremonies so far, with one last one to go. Luckily we've been in touch at least once a day via email, so I have gotten to hear little tidbits here and there about what's been happening. Every night that there has been a ceremony, I've been acutely aware and alert, knowing my best friend, my love is going through an intense journey. What has been striking, though, is that I have been aware of the mood of his journey before and during the time he is experiencing it, and my intuition is confirmed the next day when I get an email with a brief message describing the previous night's ceremony.
This connection probably wouldn't be as strong if I hadn't had my own ayahuasca experiences. Even though we are many thousands of miles and 3 time zones apart, we are still able to share this experience together, and I am grateful for that. I am so glad he gets to have this experience and I can't wait for him to be home.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Preparing
What was to have been my due date has come and gone. I was actually in great pain from my ear infection on my due date (October 27th) that I barely gave it any notice. But it somehow seems more raw now -- by now I should have almost definitely had a little babe in my arms. I woke up this morning feeling like I should have been celebrating the near-end or end of my pregnancy now, as opposed to almost 2 months ago. No fair. At the very least, I was to have started my maternity leave November 2nd, and not be working.
I commented to my naturopathic doctor that it was hard to be waiting. She stated "you are not waiting, you are preparing" which she is totally right about and it does make me feel better to think of it in that term.
I commented to my naturopathic doctor that it was hard to be waiting. She stated "you are not waiting, you are preparing" which she is totally right about and it does make me feel better to think of it in that term.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Pain
Over these past 2 months, I've become very intimate with pain, both emotional and physical. I've talked about the emotional pain a lot already here on this blog, so it's time to purge, figuratively (and I wish, literally) physical pain.
Of course, it started with labor and birth. But while intense, I find that to be an extremely satisfying kind of pain.
Then the milk came in. Not at all a satisfying kind of pain, not without a baby to nurse.
Next, I had a mole removed. This mole was on the skin just below my breasts, and above my belly, so that while really pregnant that skin would come together and sweat and annoy the heck out of this raised mole. It got to the point where there was a heat rash, it would sweat, dry up, crack and bleed, and was irritated almost constantly. I took to wearing a band-aid over it to stop that whole cycle. After losing the baby I decided that mole was hitting the highway before my next pregnancy. So I went in and had it removed. Big, long needle went in, and that was one heck of a stinging 20 seconds. Then no pain, but a weird sawing pressure as the mole was cut off. Done, thank you.
Then, a cavity filled. Luckily the numbing shot was far less painful than the one for the mole and the whole thing lasted about 10 minutes. Still, not the most pleasant experience. Especially when combined with a dentist, who, although he is very nice and sweet, reminds me WAY too much of an ex-boyfriend including hair, skin, eye color and worst of all, just the way he smells. Not in terms of b.o., but everyone has a distinctive smell, you know? And they have the same one. Far too weird. I am always happy to leave.
Then came my tattoo. Which I was so happy to get. But man, that did hurt. My previous tattoos have been pretty small and/or just lines, but getting a tattoo in which color has to be filled in on a large area? This is where labor breathing sometimes comes in handy :)
This past week has brought the worst pain. After flying home from NYC, my ear complained. LOUDLY. Apparently a plugged ear canal from old wax + pressure change on a plane flight = not good. Even after dissolving the wax I was left with an ear drum in the wrong place that when moved back into place, maybe tore a little and created a hole in the bottom. This, apparently, was good since, with the pressure an enormous amount of fluid built up behind my eardrum that made my ear stick out so far I could have used it for hitchhiking, allowed all that fluid a place to drain out. So for 3 days not only did I have incredible pain from all this pressure and this hole, but I also had stuff draining out of my ear.
And pain, let me tell you about the pain. It was definitely kill-me-now pain. Curl up into a ball and cry type of pain. So much pain that when I got my hands on some vicodin, I happily and in somewhat of a panic popped TWO of those bad little pills into my mouth. Talk about being high!
Thankfully, the worst is over but I am continuing a love affair with ibuprofen. I'm hoping it will end soon.
(And if this post is somewhat incoherent and rambling, I blame the pain.)
Of course, it started with labor and birth. But while intense, I find that to be an extremely satisfying kind of pain.
Then the milk came in. Not at all a satisfying kind of pain, not without a baby to nurse.
Next, I had a mole removed. This mole was on the skin just below my breasts, and above my belly, so that while really pregnant that skin would come together and sweat and annoy the heck out of this raised mole. It got to the point where there was a heat rash, it would sweat, dry up, crack and bleed, and was irritated almost constantly. I took to wearing a band-aid over it to stop that whole cycle. After losing the baby I decided that mole was hitting the highway before my next pregnancy. So I went in and had it removed. Big, long needle went in, and that was one heck of a stinging 20 seconds. Then no pain, but a weird sawing pressure as the mole was cut off. Done, thank you.
Then, a cavity filled. Luckily the numbing shot was far less painful than the one for the mole and the whole thing lasted about 10 minutes. Still, not the most pleasant experience. Especially when combined with a dentist, who, although he is very nice and sweet, reminds me WAY too much of an ex-boyfriend including hair, skin, eye color and worst of all, just the way he smells. Not in terms of b.o., but everyone has a distinctive smell, you know? And they have the same one. Far too weird. I am always happy to leave.
Then came my tattoo. Which I was so happy to get. But man, that did hurt. My previous tattoos have been pretty small and/or just lines, but getting a tattoo in which color has to be filled in on a large area? This is where labor breathing sometimes comes in handy :)
This past week has brought the worst pain. After flying home from NYC, my ear complained. LOUDLY. Apparently a plugged ear canal from old wax + pressure change on a plane flight = not good. Even after dissolving the wax I was left with an ear drum in the wrong place that when moved back into place, maybe tore a little and created a hole in the bottom. This, apparently, was good since, with the pressure an enormous amount of fluid built up behind my eardrum that made my ear stick out so far I could have used it for hitchhiking, allowed all that fluid a place to drain out. So for 3 days not only did I have incredible pain from all this pressure and this hole, but I also had stuff draining out of my ear.
And pain, let me tell you about the pain. It was definitely kill-me-now pain. Curl up into a ball and cry type of pain. So much pain that when I got my hands on some vicodin, I happily and in somewhat of a panic popped TWO of those bad little pills into my mouth. Talk about being high!
Thankfully, the worst is over but I am continuing a love affair with ibuprofen. I'm hoping it will end soon.
(And if this post is somewhat incoherent and rambling, I blame the pain.)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
New Ink!
Yesterday I got new ink, and I am so happy with it!
I first wrote about my tattoo thoughts here. This flower is the next step in a whole plan that I have for my back, and it is right where my heart chakra is.
I got this one because one of the things I love about myself is that I have a very open heart. I also don't ever want to forget that, or ever let my heart close up. This is a reminder of who I am and who I want to continue to be.
I also got a star for baby S. added to my tattoo on my lower back. It feels so good to have that there.
I first wrote about my tattoo thoughts here. This flower is the next step in a whole plan that I have for my back, and it is right where my heart chakra is.
I got this one because one of the things I love about myself is that I have a very open heart. I also don't ever want to forget that, or ever let my heart close up. This is a reminder of who I am and who I want to continue to be.
I also got a star for baby S. added to my tattoo on my lower back. It feels so good to have that there.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Reflections
It was only a month ago. It seems like longer, I don't know why. Did it really happen? Life has been getting back to normal, for the most part, but there is an emptiness that has been developing. I expected to be busy with a new little baby this fall/winter. Instead, I find myself watching far more TV shows/movies than usual, and reading one book after another. Part of me thinks I need a new hobby. Knitting? I don't know.
Did this really happen? There is no little baby around me to remind me (well, yeah). Instead there is only the very wrinkled skin of my belly that is still numb to the touch. And when I squeeze my nipples, bright yellow dots bead up -- still. I thought the colostrum/milk would be gone by now, but it's still there, a physical reminder of the baby I was supposed to breastfeed.
But I don't feel like he's completely gone. His spirit is incredibly strong and many times when I glance at the clock I will see "9:11" the date of his birth, and know he is saying hi to me. He does the same for his daddy.
I feel like I'm starting to separate the feelings of missing Sean and wanting a baby... the two are no longer one and the same. Does that make any sense? I am okay that he had to leave, but I want another baby so much, but it is now okay that it is not him.
And yet I will always love him, always remember.
Did this really happen? There is no little baby around me to remind me (well, yeah). Instead there is only the very wrinkled skin of my belly that is still numb to the touch. And when I squeeze my nipples, bright yellow dots bead up -- still. I thought the colostrum/milk would be gone by now, but it's still there, a physical reminder of the baby I was supposed to breastfeed.
But I don't feel like he's completely gone. His spirit is incredibly strong and many times when I glance at the clock I will see "9:11" the date of his birth, and know he is saying hi to me. He does the same for his daddy.
I feel like I'm starting to separate the feelings of missing Sean and wanting a baby... the two are no longer one and the same. Does that make any sense? I am okay that he had to leave, but I want another baby so much, but it is now okay that it is not him.
And yet I will always love him, always remember.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Grace
I feel like a huge jumble of emotions these days, with no one emotion standing out above the rest. It's enough to give me a headache sometimes, and then I just try to get a little relief by watching a TV show or movie, going for a walk, or having a nice glass of wine.
It's been a sad year for me and my mama friends as far as pregnancies/non-pregnancies go. We're all ready for some good news and happier times. I'm so ready (I think?) to be pregnant again but my ND has asked that I hold off for awhile. Easier said than done (condoms suck).
Looking back on baby S's pregnancy, there are so many little things that were little warning signs, indications of something not quite right, gut feelings that I couldn't understand. Like when we heard his heartbeat with the doppler at 12 weeks and I burst into tears and just sobbed, without quite knowing why. But hindsight is 20/20 and even though one can look back on all those things, one has to take the lessons learned and move forward. Hopefully gracefully.
It's been a sad year for me and my mama friends as far as pregnancies/non-pregnancies go. We're all ready for some good news and happier times. I'm so ready (I think?) to be pregnant again but my ND has asked that I hold off for awhile. Easier said than done (condoms suck).
Looking back on baby S's pregnancy, there are so many little things that were little warning signs, indications of something not quite right, gut feelings that I couldn't understand. Like when we heard his heartbeat with the doppler at 12 weeks and I burst into tears and just sobbed, without quite knowing why. But hindsight is 20/20 and even though one can look back on all those things, one has to take the lessons learned and move forward. Hopefully gracefully.
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